God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
