you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
