my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
