I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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