someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize