Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
