She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
