that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize