i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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