her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
