I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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