there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't turn off my feet"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
