Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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