Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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