Your face is a jimmy john
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
A bitchslap is in order.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
