I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
