Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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