i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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