last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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