I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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