I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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