whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
