what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They took my balls.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
