I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
