for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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