You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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