So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
