Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
