I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
