My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
