Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
