it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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