definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
