I think I just saw someone hide a body.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
then he tried to convert me to islam
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
