FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
