blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
