genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
