quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
