her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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