I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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