Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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