i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
