Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
