She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
