I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
