i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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