She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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