She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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