if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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