Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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