Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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