tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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