If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
