She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Green mimosas i think yes
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
