I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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