Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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