Tell her she can't have a vagina
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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