Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
