Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
