i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
